what would motherhood be without …

Constantly living with worry that you’re doing a well enough job with your babies is the number one stress in most mothers minds. Made even worse if a loss has been experienced… it can cause uncertainty and an unsteady grounding. My number one fear is to die before my babies no longer need me. So badly i want to see them grow and so badly i want to see my grand babies be born… but, ultimately i just want to raise wonderful children and not leave their sides a moment before they no longer need me there. Is there even a point for that to happen? Most likely, knowing me, that point will never come!! This is a declaration to stop looking forward into the future and to focus more on the present. These amazing kids. They are what keeps me going and makes me insane all in the same day! They are the very reason that i exist. To go on and on and on. Mom was adopted and so we don’t exactly know our entire family tree. I’ve never met my Moms biological father aka grandfather. It actually does cause a little instability in ones world!

I wonder often what the reasons are for why i worry so much. About life, about death… about the unknown. Am i the only one out there that worries like this!!? I just want to be the sort of mother that i never had. Nan (my moms adopted mother and eventually mine, too) was so incredible to us and she did her very best raising us up the way she thought was best. But, the way my moms mental health issues are affected her mothering nurturing skills and we never learned how to’s on motherhood. My sister and i literally learn as we go. So, i just want my babies to see that i’ll always be there for them and they’ll never have to face life without me watching over them and protecting them. Ready to dust them off when life throws punches.

I have had my selfish moments. as i’m sure we all have… but, i live for these babies. They are my world. My very reason for getting up and starting the day. I have fucked up a lot of times and a lot of things but, i have to get this right. Gods plan for me is so much bigger than me and my plans. i thought we were going to have two kids. i thought i was going to be responsible and tie my tubes. but, when our family grew… even though there was fear and a lot of adjustments, i was so extremely happy to experience pregnancy again! To smell a newborn baby again! To breastfeed again! Ultimately, there isn’t room for being selfish because you’ll miss out on something amazing… Family.. I’m that type that worries about driving on the interstate because i don’t know what the other drivers are going to do. Sweaty palms and everything. i have a lot to work on but, I’ve come a long way and have nothing to be ashamed of with the way that we run our home! I have been spending too much energy these past couple of days thinking about what matters and who matters and if some of these people deserve us.. put in what you expect. it’s important!!

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