Dr. Greenthumb or Quack Blackthumb….

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As I sit here surrounded by plants, I feel I should give you some insight to the ups and downs of having an indoor jungle. The internet dolls it up and makes it look so simple. The joys and pros outweigh the cons but, it isn’t easy. That’s, for sho!! If you’re anything like me, you get fucking attached to everything. The plants develop “personalities” after you see them grow and unfurl new leaves. It becomes a true melodrama!

I want to tell you more about my experience with the plant species that I own currently or have owned in the past but, slaughtered 😳… bahahaa… some of them just don’t like me. Succulents REFUSE to tell me when the hell they’re happy🤷🏻‍♀️ and, so I kill every single one by overwatering or by shade-growing the ones that just want the sunshine!! ☀️It is truly heartbreaking…

Surrounded by greenery…

I have a fake succu-bundle sitting next to me that I found at Walmart. That’s all I can do with this particular type of plant. For, like, ever!

Another lush and popular plant species that I wish I could have but, will only own fake versions of, is the Boston fern. https://amzn.to/2WGvhup

They are so lavish and gorgeous! Every time I see one, I just study it and, harass their plant parent for all the deets on how they’ve managed to upkeep its beauty! If you can keep it in a super bright, borderline humid space, then this guy will mesh with your home. A bright sunny bathroom is this plants dream location. Unfortunately, for me and those damn Boston ferns, I have a zero sunlit bathroom. A wonderful friend of mine that I met on the social media platform, Instagram, told me that she sets hers in a sink of water and, lets them “drink” from the roots instead, of pouring water over the top soil. If you can just imagine! They are so full and, so green! She either has the one and only secret on keeping these guys thriving or, they can only live happily in the ripe Californian sun. Southeast Texas is a different story! I had mine out on our back porch where, I imagined all of the Spring time rainstorms and the bright DIRECT sunshine would be just what these bougie houseplants required. Not even close! Let me began the speculation by telling you a little backstory! When I was little, my Aunt Janice always had them along her farmhouse style front porch. In fact, she still has them lining the space but, I’m willing to fucking bet that they’re all fake! (I’m kidding, Aunt Janice😂) I was only trying to mimic her style by spending a pretty penny on my own two. On a good day, they cost between $20 and $32 bucks. Sometimes, $40+

In retrospect, I didn’t water them often enough to survive our scorching Texas heat and, the tin roof that they were under was literally turning them into baked potatoes!! 🙌🏻 Just add butter. bahahaha! In the end, I had a plastic pot full of entangled twigs! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m dying laughing, admitting this to you guys!

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them”

-Mitch Hedberg

Now, that we’ve talked about my all of my greenfinger faux pas, let’s get on to the houseplant beauties that I have actually kept sitting pretty!

Linked below is a complete “Guide” to all of the easy-to-care for Houseplants that I currently have in my home…

Golden Pothoshttps://amzn.to/2MPGXXn

From my experience with this easy going indoor king, it can tolerate shade or bright indirect lighting. I have a few growing in soil and, a few propagated clippings that have full root systems in vases of water. I feel like no black thumb could kill this plant! If you have yours soil based, water when the top two inches of soil feel dry to the touch, allowing the roots to remain moist.

**If you notice browning tips on any of the plants listed, its an irrigation issue that should be addressed immediately!! Determine if your houseplant is getting watered too much or too little. Good Luck!

Yucca – https://amzn.to/2WDbyM6

The yucca is one dangerous houseplant! Its leaves are extremely sharp and jagged along the edges. My Mom bent down to water hers and caused an abrasion to her cornea! She wore an eyepatch for three days. All that I ask, is that you tend to yours at your own risk! Once you find a bright and sunny spot for your plant, remember to revolve the pot to avoid sunburns on the leaves. I water mine every 10 days.

Monstera- https://amzn.to/2BlfckE

This rare high-reaching houseplant was on my wish list for some time before, I finally had enough extra cash to order my very own! A penpal of mine said that she pours her leftover coffee into hers and, that her monstera loves it. I was so nervous the first time I attempted to share strong caffeine with my aqua loving plant baby but, here we are a few weeks later and, it currently has four leaves in the process of unfurling! I water it with a bottle of generic distilled water once a week. Keep your plant in a warm space with plenty of bright indirect lighting. I’ve read that you can “trick” your younger monstera into reaching upwards by keeping it in a dark spot. The plant “believes” its on the forest floor and growing towards the treetop. I have only read this! I HAVE NOT TRIED THIS METHOD!!

Philodendron Selloum-https://amzn.to/2TxMYu7

This big guy has stolen my heart since, the first time that I ever laid eyes on the species at my ex father in laws house. Although, he had it outdoors in the outskirt of his coy pond, this damn thing was nearly six feet tall, with leaves the size of my torso! Just beautiful!! Mine is small in comparison but, its motivation to tend to this teeny tiny tree like its already magnolia sized is instantaneous! They require bright indirect light and, a little more humidity than the others listed. Google suggests a pebble tray to generate humidity. *Small rocks and water placed under the plant.

White Birds of Paradise- https://amzn.to/2WLWn3b

Since getting this unique houseplant, I’ve had two new leaves. I have it on the wall opposite, the picture window. The lounge/ living area remains brightly lit throughout the day and, doesn’t have any sort of AC unit so, this guy displays happiness with the shady, warm zone. (Google tells you they prefer full sunshine and, not providing such lighting will prevent flowering.) When you gets yours home, check out the formation of the leaf growth. It is absolutely fascinating to me! Allow your BOP to dry out between watering. *I believe soil dampness varies according to individual home temperatures.

Spider Plant – https://amzn.to/2Gcqps6

I’m OBSESSED with my variegated bonnie spider plant. It looks as if someone took an original spider plant and, curled the leaves with a curling iron! I’ve counted at least fifteen tiny spider plant babies just, waiting to be propagated! These ocean spiders prefer filtered bright light. I consider my sheer window curtains, equivalent to the suggested filtered lighting. Both of these spider plants are displayed in hanging baskets above the picture window. When you water, make sure to do so without leaving the soil soggy and, allow complete drainage to avoid root rot.

Peace Lily- https://amzn.to/2WMQRgH

As I write this, I am learning that the yellowing that has recently occurred to my classy little houseplant are because I have it sitting in too much sunlight. (How interesting is it, that houseplants will guide us and, show us just what we’re doing wrong with them!!) Until yesterday, I had mine located in my sun-filled bedroom. I now have it placed in a cool corner of the kitchen. I will leave it there for the next few days and, update how its doing. Watering tip for your peace lily- watch for whenever the plants leaves “pout” or wilts and, that will help prevent overwatering.

Please continue to follow along with this blog post. I will continue adding to it until we finally have a completed easy- to-follow plant guide for newbies! IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION or different care preferences, PLEASE message me!

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